Tough times

I am not a fan of the economy right now. I am not a fan of layoffs, or reduced hours, or the loss of morale that comes from the "popcorn" layoff (like SURPRISE! You're unemployed.)...I'm also not a fan of what this tension, worry, and fear do to us as individuals, as human beings. I'm not happy with the climate of my work life right now. Uncomfortable doesn't begin to describe it. Stuck? Maybe.

I'm not happy with the decisions I'm forced to make right now as an employee, a daughter, a sister, a wife... in this, which should be the happiest of times for me, I have so much anger, fear, and uncertainty.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm starting to get mad.

I'm so disappointed in people. Do you know the feeling? I'll bet you do, and it is the WORST. I don't wish it on anyone. Increasingly this world seems a harsh and unforgiving place to bring such a beautiful, innocent life into.

Just less than a year ago, J's accident showed me the best in people. Not all of them. It also showed me the worst in some people I'd held dear. I chalked it up to a good chance to find out things I need to know about those around me. Who is truly my friend? Who deserves my love and attention. For the most  part, I felt an outpouring of love and affection for those around me. People were there when we needed them. They bolstered  us in dark days, and continued to love and respect us in the difficult months to come. Getting married gives you this feeling, but you don't see the extent of it, not really. There is a glow around you; you are the center of attention; and well, it's easy to love you then. It's all happiness and champagne. J's accident really held the mirror of truth up to me and forced me to make some difficult decisions.

But I promise: it wasn't all bad. It was so overwhelmingly GOOD that I felt I could live in the glow of it forever, and slough the bad interactions off with a simple shrug of my shoulders. Having a baby should bring the same outpouring of love, happiness, rainbows and puppies: after all - who doesn't love a new baby?! But this time I enter the process with a different perspective; more protective of my heart, and J's, and that of this child.

Here we are, in the end of June, months before it should get really mushy for us, and already I'm finding out that I'm disappointed. Just disappointed, as though disappointment isn't one of the absolute worst feelings in the human experience. It encapsulates sadness, surprise, missed expectations, a deflation of hope, a deflation of promise, and carries a tinge of worry: if this person is capable of this, who is next? Can we truly love each other? Are we capable? Are we too selfish? I missed one feeling that is packaged in with disappointment for our displeasure: anger. Am I angry with the very people who disappoint me? Or perhaps at myself, for believing that they wouldn't, couldn't...am I mad at myself for allowing myself to feel disappointed again...for putting myself out there...for trusting...

Why shouldn't I have hope and believe in the good in others? What a sad world it would be indeed if I could not. And yet, would it be less sad if only I could see it coming? Did having warning of a layoff lessen the blow? Does a set of low expectations ever actually make cruelty hurt less?

I don't think so.

I believe that to bring new life into this world is to acknowledge that you have HOPE. And no matter what, no matter how bruised and battered my little heart may be, I have it.

And you can't take it away.