East of Eden [living]

Banned Books Week!

2011-09-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

I will be celebrating Banned Books Week, as I always do, by being outraged over book banning! Let's talk.

Banned Books Week, sponsored by the American Library Association, takes place from September 24 to October 11 this year. Here is their link so that you can read more about it. Basically, the ALA sets up BBW to increase public awareness of the implications of banning or restricting books, as well as to encourage reading (which I always support!). I am not going to suggest to you that YOU, personally, should read every book on the list. As always in life, some of them are going to be concerning topics that are unsavory to you. This, my friends, is not the issue. I think I have discussed on this blog before that a book will not intentionally offend you. If it begins to, or if you happen to already know the book will offend you, I recommend you do not open the cover (or close it, if need be). Books do not jump at you and force you to read them. You can't accidentally be traumatized by a book the way you could by pressing the wrong button on your TV remote or receiving a disgusting pop-up ad on your computer. The fact is, books exist because: 1. someone wanted to write it 2. a publishing company decided that someone would want to read it. That person may not be you. This is the case with books like those about puberty, which are banned as obscene. They typically contain anatomically-correct drawings of the human body. Perhaps you don't need to see this book, but maybe someone does.

www.ala.org/bbooks

The real issue is that dear, amazing, masterpiece classics are banned all the time from schools, libraries, book clubs, and cities/towns/counties. They are also challenged in prisons, but not nearly as often as in schools and public libraries. They are most often challenged by parents, in many cases I believe that the parents have not read the book in question. I watched a documentary on the challenging of Huckleberry Finn in college, and the two mothers in this town that were removing children from a classroom due to the discussion of this book had not read the book. They only knew it contained the "N" word. Had they read it, they would have gotten on their knees and thanked Mark Twain for expressing the inhumanities of racial prejudice. But they didn't. Don't judge a book by its cover, ladies.

One example: number ten in the top ten banned books from 2010 was Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. The same book that has remained a bestseller and cult favorite for years, and has now been made into a movie. Why ban this book? "Religious viewpoint and violence." ???????

I am going to present the list of most-often-challenged classics, with my annotations. I changed the number red if I had not read it, in which case I have no comment. The reasons for banning/challenging can be found here.

1. The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald [A must-read for all people, but especially Americans.]
2. The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger [I believe this is banned because Salinger uses a four-letter word that is now allowed on non-cable television]
3. The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck [Another must-read for all Americans. THIS IS OUR HISTORY, PEOPLE! And you don't dare mess with Steinbeck to me!]
4. To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee [Another must-read and American history is the objection to this book. The "N" word is used, but the point, THE POINT is made so well that objectors don't realize you're on the same team as Ms. Lee]
5. The Color Purple, by Alice Walker [If you haven't read this, run out and do it now. It's beautiful. Same reasons as Mockingbird.]
6. Ulysses, by James Joyce
7. Beloved, by Toni Morrison
8. The Lord of the Flies, by William Golding [Banned for representing human nature as it is. Sorry, folks - we are animals]
9. 1984, by George Orwell [Harsh realities of life - I feel that this novel has become more prescient since 1984!]

11. Lolita, by Vladmir Nabokov
12. Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck [Not even my favorite of Steinbeck's books and still marvelous - it was challenged, hilariously, by the KKK. Let's all read it for that reason alone!]

15. Catch-22, by Joseph Heller
16. Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley
17. Animal Farm, by George Orwell
18. The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemingway
19. As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner [Banned or not, I challenge anyone to read it. This is not an easy read.]
20. A Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Hemingway

23. Their Eyes Were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston
24. Invisible Man, by Ralph Ellison
25. Song of Solomon, by Toni Morrison
26. Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
27. Native Son, by Richard Wright
28. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, by Ken Kesey
29. Slaughterhouse-Five, by Kurt Vonnegut
30. For Whom the Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemingway

33. The Call of the Wild, by Jack London

36. Go Tell it on the Mountain, by James Baldwin

38. All the King's Men, by Robert Penn Warren

40. The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien

45. The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair

48. Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D.H. Lawrence
49. A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess [Again - just TRY to read this]
50. The Awakening, by Kate Chopin [I read this in high school and was NOT ready for it. When I read it again in college it literally changed my life.]

53. In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote [As this is an account of a true story, I'd say well, life is scary. This book is scary, so don't read it if you don't want to. Also, don't read the news accounts of the murders in this book. But don't blame Capote.]

55. The Satanic Verses, by Salman Rushdie

57. Sophie's Choice, by William Styron

64. Sons and Lovers, by D.H. Lawrence

66. Cat's Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut
67. A Separate Peace, by John Knowles [I don't recall this being anything but wonderful]

73. Naked Lunch, by William S. Burroughs
74. Brideshead Revisited, by Evelyn Waugh
75. Women in Love, by D.H. Lawrence

80. The Naked and the Dead, by Norman Mailer

84. Tropic of Cancer, by Henry Miller

88. An American Tragedy, by Theodore Dreiser

97. Rabbit, Run, by John Updike

I understand the desire to protect children from things too mature for them. But please remember this: censorship cannot take the place of involved parenting.

NEW BLOG!

2011-08-24T12:56:00.001-07:00

Hi, faithful readers.

This blog has moved:

Please visit me at www.joshandkorey.com

:)

A (large) mango

2011-08-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

Baby O is 23 weeks now, and the size of a large mango. That is how it was described on BabyCenter, not my opinion on the relative sizes of mangoes, of course.

Over 11 inches long and over 1 lb. in weight, he can hear loud noises, like vacuum or dog barking, and will get used to familiar loud noises before he is even born! I wonder if he'll be used to the sound of my neighbor's dog barking. I won't. I digress...

His sense of movement is well-developed, and blood vessels in the lungs are preparing themselves for breathing.

Here is a link to this week on Babycenter.

Exciting News...and more change

2011-08-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

I have started a new blog.

My blog is growing up, and I thought its style and domain name should, too.

Don't worry, everything that has been posted here moved with it, over to my new site. I'd love it if you would join me there.

www.joshandkorey.com

Also, you can subscribe to my posts and receive them straight to your email inbox! How fun is that?! I have a ton of great stuff prepared for my dear readers, and I'm really excited to share it all with you.

Painting

2011-08-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

I promised a picture of the painting I bought for the nursery at the Sawdust Festival, but I should have promised a GOOD picture. Instead, we have this:

Well, whatever, you get the picture. :)

Nursery Project

2011-08-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

This might be my first official nursery project!

I found these adorable wooden castles at Michael's (they are birdhouses, actually):

I got two, and thought I'd make bookends of them.

Saturday morning I woke up at 4, inexplicably, and when I realized I wasn't going to be able to sleep, I started painting one.

Here's how I did:

So I think I will have J place them on heavy pieces of wood so that they will hold books, or I'll attach them to bookends somehow, but in the meantime, I like it! Now I just need to decide how to paint the other one so it's a little different...

The kitchen!!!!

2011-08-16T09:30:00.001-07:00

This is such an exciting post! The kitchen looks so different empty and OMG do I love...well you'll see.

Wonderful helpers: my dad, J's dad, and friend Chris.

J begins to cut away the window that will connect the kitchen and living room...at long last! I'm so excited.

O M G

Seriously tell me that doesn't already look amazing! And huge! It's about 8' wide.

From the living room...

Macaroni and Cheese

2011-08-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

I am always encouraging people to try making mac and cheese from scratch; it's really easy, and employing the methods of making it (like making a roux) are really good and versatile skills to have as a home cook. For example, you will now know how to make alfredo (or any other cream sauce) as well as nacho cheese sauce, which I made a while back [click here for the recipe].

Anyhow, I figured I should post on how to make it once and for all!

Two things you should know going into this post:
1. I made this on Sunday night before we ripped out the kitchen, and most of my kitchen utensils and food items were already packed. I didn't buy anything special for it; I only used what I had (that's how great this recipe is!) I also didn't want to turn on the oven, meaning I never baked this, and it was still delicious!
2. I have never made this the same way twice; I'll try to point out when you can get creative in the recipe.

I'm going to start you with a printable basic recipe that is a good one, from my idol Martha Stewart:
Martha Stewart's Macaroni and Cheese

Make roux:
1. melt butter

2. Your first chance to be creative: you can saute finely chopped onions in the butter, garlic, or mustard powder. I chose garlic. Make sure to cook it for a very short amount of time. In fact, I think Gordon Ramsey would scream at me for the brown-ness of the butter in this pan...but it's the stove! Not me!

3. Add flour (you're getting measurements from the recipe, no? I didn't measure anything, but you should if this is your first time. Also, I'm sure no one cares, but I use whole wheat white flour in ALL of my cooking, in case you were interested.

3. Add your milk and/or cream. Sometimes I use heavy cream and milk, sometimes just heavy cream or half and half, and at home, just 1 or 2% milk. This is the part of the roux that freaks people out. The flour is clumpy and looks weird, but just whisk it!

4. Ignore the brownish tint - once the flour is whisked into the milk it will make a nice, thick sauce base: this is the roux. Allow it to bubble slowly and thicken before adding your cheese.

Now add cheese!

I used a cheddar-monterey blend and mozzarella, because that's what I had. I typically use anything like extra sharp cheddar, white cheddar (but always some orange for color purposes), gruyere, havarti, blue, gorgonzola...anything that looks good. My favorite was a wood-apple-smoked gruyere I found once.

This is your other creative time: you can add Worcestershire sauce (unless I'm coming over for dinner: I hate it) dry mustard powder (if you haven't already), Dijon mustard, cayenne pepper, black pepper, etc.

Mmm this is making me hungry!

You can, of course, stir add-ins if you like them. Suggestions: chicken, bacon/ham, peas...

Typically, I'd add bread crumbs (Martha advocates making them yourself, and I'll admit: they are great! Although I typically will use pre-made from Trader Joe's. Italian breadcrumbs are also delicious. You can then add more cheese (this is where I'd throw in a strong cheese like gruyere and another "hard" cheese; maybe parmesan or romano.) You can drizzle 1 tsp. of olive oil over the crumbs for moisture, and I will recommend garlic olive oil or even truffle oil if you have it!

Bon appetit!

Let's get ready to remodel!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

I hope the song from "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" is in your head right now! Here are some images from the last days of the old kitchen:

One empty cabinet!

Fridge sans my photos and cards...

The pantry is packed up--thanks to my mom and my grandma for their help!. This small pantry held a LOT of stuff!

Items stacked in baby's room and ready to be boxed (once I buy boxes and tape--don't worry I did that on Sunday!)

This wall will not be whole when you see it next...

Mostly packed and put away, we are ready to demo. It was bittersweet taking these pictures this morning knowing I'd never see this kitchen again (as I'll be at work when J starts demo)

I won't miss this cooktop. It sucks. :)

Really won't miss this oven. It sucks more!

All in all, there are really not any elements I will miss, so I'm not saying I'm sad to see it go. It's just that there are a lot of things changing around here these days and it's getting overwhelming!! Especially when I come home and, as usual, J is pounding away and things are different. That's a little hard to take. But I promise you I won't miss that HORRIBLE, UGLY linoleum at all! It was its time to go. Also, I want to tell you all that your kitchen holds like 75% of the "stuff" in your house and really isn't fun to pack up! My mom was making fun of me for complaining about it ("I just hate getting a new kitchen! Waaa waa waa!") and I don't mean to complain, but two solid days of packing just sent me back to last September, and it doesn't seem that long ago that I packed and unpacked this same stuff! It takes up both of our bedrooms just to store it in boxes and bags!!

On ward to our latest adventure...I am really excited!

J takes first place!

2011-08-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

Another J victory at last week's Over the Hump race!

The calm before the storm

2011-08-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

Your typical, 1960s kitchen.

The calm before the storm.

This is the kitchen I've been walking into every day for almost a year, and it's all about to change.

As you read this, I am probably packing up said kitchen to prepare for Monday, when J rips it all out.

Stay tuned...

Snapshots from Big Bear

2011-08-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

A trip to the Moonridge Zoo, which was WONDERFUL, by the way, yielded the following:

A bald eagle

Snoozing raccoon

Wolf

Ummm...

Scary!

Grizzly sleeping on a floating keg!

formspring.me

2011-08-12T08:46:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/eastofeden

Have I shared the kitchen window updates?

2011-08-11T15:30:00.000-07:00

The side door is being deleted...

Spaghetti Squash!

2011-08-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

Really, how you can go from a carrot to a spaghetti squash? I think the squash analogy makes more sense, but it's still very confusing. Where were the smaller squashes? Butternut? Eggplant? Even tiny Italian squash... but I digress...

At 22 weeks, baby O is the size of a spaghetti squash, which is one of my more favorite vegetables! yay! He weighs about a pound. He is wrinkly without fat underneath his skin, and covered in lanugo (fine hair) to protect his skin. However, he is "starting to look like a miniature newborn" which I believe is a nicer way of saying "less alien, more human." It's okay, we love you anyway!

Interestingly enough, as I just wrote about my rings, check out this week's "to-do":

This Week's Activity:

Check out your rings. It's common to have some swelling in your fingers as your pregnancy progresses. If your rings are feeling the least bit snug, do yourself a favor and take them off now before it's too late (or at least keep an eye on them). If you can't bear to be separated from your wedding band or another important ring when you can no longer sport it on your finger, loop it on a chain and wear it close to your heart.

Nursery Fabric

2011-08-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

I ordered some of the fabric I want to use in Baby O's nursery. I think that it is easier for you all to see up close. I am assuming this line has been discontinued, as I can't seem to find it in brick and mortar stores, but there are limited quantities around on internet shops. In fact, thank you to my friend Emily's mom for finding this for me!!

Baby Face

2011-08-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

Want to see a glimpse of our baby's face? Well so do I! But this is what we get for now...

Celebration Cakes

2011-08-09T14:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, before I left for Palm Desert, I made these "celebration cakes" (so I called them) for J to celebrate the one-year anniversary of his accident. They were certainly a labor of love!

The recipe is another from Cooking Light, and involved unsweetened chocolate and cocoa, and a meringue of egg whites and cream of tartar (I do not like cream of tartar, so I didn't want to buy it and substituted with a pinch of cinnamon.)

I must admit, the egg whites, which were such a pain to sort, made for a rich, egg-y flavor that was outstanding. Overall, I'd have cooked this a bit less, but otherwise this is just about as perfect as cake comes. I will also add fresh strawberries or raspberries next time. A lot of work (a LOT of dishes) but worth it for celebrations!

Look at the gooey inside texture. It was like souffle meets lava cake!

Okay this is bizarre

2011-08-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Can you tell what is in the back of this truck, spotted on the 10 outside Palm Springs?

It's a mechanical bull. I have no words...

I should write more

2011-08-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things I should do. I feel my life is full of "shoulds." I should eat better, workout more, read more (I really should, though!), learn a language, travel, save more money, stretch more, relax...well you get it.

Add writing to this list I suppose. I didn't want this blog to be "blogged" down in words, as I don't think people really like to read anymore. Perhaps they don't. But I will try to write more, when it matters.

Thank you for your encouragement.

Cicadas

2011-08-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, I stopped at Hanson House on my way home from Palm Springs to thank them for allowing us to stay there during Josh's hospitalization last year.

If you don't know, Hanson House is a beautiful hotel-like home for families of critically-injured patients of the trauma center. I stayed there with J's parents and my mom while he was in the trauma center, and it was such a relief. To deal with one more detail would have done us in, I think, and it was so wonderful to be living just a 2-minute walk from the hospital. I could stay with J until he needed rest and then I could go back to the house and eat, shower, read, etc. They have a huge communal kitchen, and J's sister came and made dinner in it one night. It was as close to a feeling of normalcy as you might have. There are no TVs in the rooms, otherwise they are standard hotel-like rooms, but much, much more beautiful. They take donations of unused hotel toiletries to stock the bathrooms, and it was funny to see shampoo from the Aquarius in Laughlin, NV. You must be referred to stay in the house by a doctor. In our case, the trauma team knew we'd be there a while and referred us. I would compare it to Ronald McDonald house, but for a shorter stay. There is a cost, much less than a hotel room; I believe it was $60 per night. I can't stress enough how wonderful it was to have a private place to reflect at the end of a long day at the hospital.

It's so beautiful; I recommend you check out their photos.

It was a comfortable 106 (better than 120!)

As soon as I pulled up, the memories came rushing back. Especially since the cicadas were going crazy, just like last year. I had never heard them so loud in my life. It was deafening outside; so loud you couldn't talk on a phone under a tree for the noise. In case you don't want to click on my link above, a cicada is a winged insect that makes a loud, continuous hum by flexing their "ribcage" (they don't have a ribcage of course, but it's a ribcage-like membrane) in and out rapidly. Gross, I know. Even "grosser" that they have a weird larval cycle in which they spend most of their lives underground, come up to molt on a tree (leaving their horrid exoskeletons behind) and then sing their annoying song. If you read the article (I had a lot of time last summer, and have a good memory) you'll also note that they make a noise loud enough to cause permanent hearing damage in humans. They are LOUD.

This is the Acute Care Building where J was admitted after the trauma center. His window is hiding behind the tree, but you could just barely see Hanson House from it.

Hanson House entryway...

Just in case you're sitting here, reading this and wondering where to donate money this year, may I recommend this wonderful, calming, beautiful place?

As I stood in the street, looking at the Acute Care Center, a helicopter took off from the roof of the trauma center. Perhaps to find another lost husband and bring him to this wonderful hospital and fix him, so that his family could have him back. Perhaps not, but I got a smile on my face just thinking about it. I wanted to take a picture, but I couldn't. I couldn't believe it had chosen that small window of time to take off, and swirl overhead. I knew it would go somewhere it was needed, and I stared at the sky like a child watching snow fall for the first time. Wonder and admiration on my face.

I'm glad I stopped.

Booties

2011-08-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

Look at these handmade camo booties from my grandma's dear friend Jan!

How creative!!

The anniversary, part II

2011-08-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

The accident has really been haunting me in the last few weeks. I don’t know if it’s just the anniversary, or the fact that it’s been really feeling like summer, and the memories are coming rushing back, or what the reason. I have been trying to embrace it and make sense of it. I’ve tried for this (almost) year to sift through my feelings, deal with each one, and then put them away neatly. It has been difficult at times, and then I’ll have a span of time in which I think I’m fine, I’ve mastered and dealt with it. I also have days like last Saturday, when I called 911 from my cell phone to report a piece of furniture in the 5 freeway. I hung up the phone and suddenly had a memory of calling 911 last August 6^th, getting Highway Patrol, and dealing with them; trying to get in contact with anyone who could help me. Highway Patrol, of course, can do nothing. I was remote…he was on water…I had to be transferred many times as they debated who could help me. They weren’t sure what county I was in, or if Parker, Arizona, could respond more quickly. At one transfer, the second HP dispatcher, when quickly filled in on what I was calling about, not knowing I was on the line, said “good luck” under her breath. Dispatcher 1 said, quietly, “she’s on the line.” There was a silence, and then the second dispatcher said, “oh honey, I’m sorry. Was he wearing a life jacket?”

He was, and I could sing the praises of life jackets, or his low resting heart rate, or any other facet of luck that resulted in his still being alive…but it’s not enough. It doesn’t make sense that he is still here. Sometimes I wake up and for a moment I wonder if I dreamed the past year, and I’ll open my eyes and be somewhere else, and alone.

The past year has been incredible. It’s been incredibly hard in parts, as well. It’s hard to believe that one year after I thought my life was ending with his on a bank of the Colorado River, we’re living in a house, that we bought, and awaiting anxiously our first child. J will have a son, and I hope that he gets J’s laugh (but maybe my singing voice). [I kid, I kid]

I suppose I’ve reached that point in this monologue where I should reach some conclusions. I would like to tell you that I see the plan in this, that I understand why it happened and have learned from it. I’m not certain I do, or ever will. Not to say that I’m angry it happened, because I’m not. I feel too fortunate to have room for anger. I feel mostly gratitude, and disbelief. I also don’t mean to imply that I have learned nothing from it, because I have:

The capacity for love that some people have is astounding. It’s made me grateful and has been helpful and humbling in my relationships with others.

My own capacity to survive shocked me. I feel as though it was something about me I had never known, and wouldn’t know, had this not happened. And yet part of me wishes I didn’t know. My ability to survive has also scared me, in a way that is hard to describe. Perhaps because I worry what else I could handle, and it brings to mind the question of what else I will endure.

The human body is astounding, fragile, and resilient. I was left with the message ringing through my head that we are made to heal. We are designed so well for healing, and the healing process is so sophisticated and amazing… I try to remember this in tough times as well. We are made to heal.

Life is precious. I think this is the message you’d assume I’d have. Life can be short, life can be taken so quickly, and each day is a gift.

I don’t get to understand everything. There will be times in life that I will not be able to wrap my mind around, and that is okay. I am not privy to all the secrets of the universe!

Miracles happen. This is the hard one for me. I don’t feel worthy sometimes. I don’t understand why J’s life was saved when others are not as fortunate. I don’t know why so many things happen, or don’t. I tried to understand this for so long, but like the point above, I’ve had to accept that it’s not for me to know why, just to be thankful every day.

Maybe in another year, or five or ten, I’ll have more of the answers. In some ways I’m right where I was a year and 1 day ago: grateful, surprised, in awe. Perhaps time will bring greater introspection, and with it, greater understanding. But for today, gratefulness is the key. I am grateful for J’s miracle, the EMTs, firemen, paramedics, trauma doctors and nurses, Hanson House, my family, my friends, my health, my marriage. I am grateful for the place I am now, mentally and physically, and I look forward to the future. I am grateful to have a future, with J. I am grateful, as always, for any and all experiences that cause me to appreciate and cherish my life and loved ones, no matter how painful or transformative. I am thankful for my ability to heal and grow, and for the people and processes that have helped me on this journey. I am thankful for my ability to appreciate and love. Always love.

I will leave you with this, if you’ve had the fortitude to make it this far.

No matter how hard life gets, it is worth it. Your relationships are worth the journey. Buckle up and enjoy it as much as you can.

The anniversary, part I

2011-08-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

This post will be a labor of love. Today is July 19th and I am starting to compose my thoughts.

On the first anniversary of J's accident, I thought I should share more about it than perhaps I have.

Here is the version of the story I emailed out a year ago:

Josh has been in an accident. He was riding a jet ski on Friday morning in the Colorado River with his friend Jason. One jet ski broke down and Josh left Jason with it while he went for jumper cables. The jet ski later turned up without anyone on it. Josh was missing and presumably injured for over four hours. I called every emergency group I could but they were taking a long time providing search and rescue. The key (and kill switch/bracelet) was missing from the ski and I knew it would be around his wrist and that he was most likely hurt. I think the 911 operators were fairly certain it was too late to find him alive, and I'll admit I was thinking the same. Of course I couldn't give up. In frustration, we found a man with a jet ski who was willing to look for him. This man (who I am unbelievably thankful for) found Josh up river, next to the missing jet ski, and rode him in. He was covered in blood all over his face and head and his face was gray. He couldn't walk. Jason carried him out of the water. He was delirious and looked very pale. His knee was mangled and his entire joint was visible. His head had several large gashes through which I could see his skull. We laid him down in the shade while we waited for the paramedics. He was in a lot of pain. He didn't know how badly he was injured, so we didn't tell him. Before the paramedics could arrive, he lost consciousness. We tried yelling his name and shaking him and he wouldn't wake. I threw water in his face and he woke with a start, confused and angry. He became more angry and combative as we waited, almost 45 minutes, for the paramedics. They patched him up and drove him by ambulance to a golf course where a helicopter picked him up and airlifted him to Desert Medical Center in Palm Springs, which had the nearest trauma center. Jason, Kate and I had to drive over 2 hours to get there. They were still working on him for a while after we arrived. The debrief from the doctor was this: the fact that he hadn't been bleeding when he was found was bad. He had lost so much blood that he almost died. His blood pressure dropped to 40 over 20 in the helicopter. He received two blood transfusions and once he had more blood in his body they couldn'tstop the bleeding. His head was really difficult to stop from bleeding. When they had him clotting they started to patch his scalp. He had what she described as an avulsion, basically it was as though he had been scalped, but there was a portion that was attached. The injury is consistent with a severe blunt force trauma to the head, where the skin splits from pressure. There is a V-shaped laceration on his scalp; the pointed end of the "v" points at his right ear. This has received 13 staples and many stitches. Thankfully, other than a concussion, he had no brain damage: his CT was clean. They had only gotten that far at this point because they had to literally save his life, and hadn't checked anything else.

Later they performed an X-ray of his head and shoulders to discover that his c7 vertebrae has a stable fracture. This means that there is a crack in the vertebrae. He was placed in a collar and told he will be wearing it for 4 weeks. He was placed on spinal restrictions and had to lay flat on his back and not move at all. While he's flat he cannot have ANY liquids (no ice either) so he was miserable and his mouth was so dry. He was really uncomfortable and his knee was in a lot of pain. The strange thing to me was that they left all of the blood in his hair. It was literally stiff with blood, and ran down his face and into his ear. They came and did a test on his knee joint to see if it had been damaged. If so, he would need orthopedic surgery immediately. Thankfully it was not, They stapled and sewed his knee back together. The laceration is a big zig-zag like a thunderbolt and his knee is hugely swollen. Around 8 pm they admitted him upstairs to a real room, which was a relief. It was quiet there and he has no roommate. They were finally able to give him some morphine because his blood pressure was out of the woods. We were with him until about 11:45 pm; he was sleeping and we went to get some dinner.

This morning started well. He was looked over by the doctor and told that because the fracture in his neck is stable he could remove the collar and only wear it when he felt like it. He had more tests done. He was release from the spinal restriction and allowed to sit up and eventually drink water and eat some jello. At around 2 they finally washed the blood out of his hair (!!!) and changed his bloody linens and he felt like a human again (somewhat). I left him now to sleep. He has been given large amounts of antibiotics, which is reassuring. His head is still bleeding and may need more staples. Now that he's clean we can see the extent of his scalp and face injuries. There are a lot of scratches and he has another spot (aside from the "v") that is raw and open and constantly drips blood. He was able to eat a real dinner, which was great. We might be going home tomorrow, or they might keep him until Monday. He still needs his head inspected, to go to the bathroom on his own somewhat, to have his knee bound in a brace, and lastly, to walk. They are sending a physical therapist to show him how to use crutches. He is conscious and coherent, he can talk and listen, mostly he just listens with his eyes closed and says very little. He's still in a lot of pain and not his usual sunny mood, but is he lucky!?!?! I keep reminding him of this. We still need to make sure he doesn't get an infection; apparently the Colorado river is very dirty (according to the doctor) and it's very common for people who sustain injuries in the Colorado to develop infections in flesh wounds.

In case you're wondering, the hospital has a house called Hanson House for families of trauma patients, and Jeff, Linda, my mom and I have been staying here. It is beautiful and quiet, and just outside the hospital so we can walk back and forth when we want to.

If you have been calling/texting/emailing please know that Josh is VERY thankful and appreciative. He has been so grateful for the prayers he received. He received a miracle and we are all SO happy about this. He has told me that if anyone asks what they can do to be of help, to think of him and pray for him. He can't smile well (it hurts) but he seems happy to hear about people sending their regards. I play some voicemails for him when he's awake. Thank you to everyone who has asked about him. He, and I, are VERY lucky. I have to say that yesterday was the worst, and then the best day of my life. I am personally thankful to be at a hospital right now. It means Josh is alive, and to me, not matter what, nothing could be better.

I had written this, tears streaming down my face, when I decided I couldn't bear to say it one more time. Of course, there is so much here that has gone unsaid.

I want to refer back to this post so that I can expand on it. The beauty, the mystery, the fragility of life is enough to think about until the end of time I suppose. I don't imagine for a moment that I will be able to put it into words, or to do it justice. I suppose what sticks with me after my grandpa's passing is the idea that you shouldn't be alone. You can't enter this world alone, and you shouldn't leave it any other way. Not without the same ring of loving faces at your bedside. However, the burden of the experience is heavy, and shouldn't be taken lightly.

What haunted me that morning was this idea: that J would die and I wouldn't be there. That he would be alone. Scared. Hopeless. As much as I think it would have killed me to be there, I needed to, for him, for everything he's meant to me.

That entire morning was a mental trip into Hell and back, and in again. Once you've had to allow your mind to go "there" you don't get it back in the same condition. The burden was great. I had responsibility; I was there. I would have to inform all of our loved ones. I would have to decide what to do with the house, his things, and my life. Also: my life hung in the balance. I couldn't imagine a day, or a world, without J in it. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that the world would dim without his laugh, his sense of humor, his off-key singing voice. I couldn't imagine how I could breathe, or eat, or sleep, ever again. There are physical deaths, and there are emotional deaths, and mine would be a slow one. Most of all, I felt alone. I wanted to call him and ask his advice, his opinion; "would you try to swim downstream? Would you hike up the banks?" I needed to move forward for him, to find him, to encourage others to act, and so I did. I drew breath, I spoke, at times I dry-heaved, but I continued on. Finding him, with its ultimate relief and feeling of prayers answered opened up another void of worry as I saw how badly he was injured. And then I thought I was getting my wish: the moment of his death was there, and I was at his side. But I wasn't ready, and I already hated the feeling of being alone from the last four hours of it. His eyes rolled back in his head, his lips parted, his chest ceased to move. His already grey skin was cool to the touch. We were screaming at him, shaking him, clapping, and he didn't move. This is when I threw water in his face, and thankfully, he woke up. But once you've been there, seen that, it's burned into your memory. There is no un-seeing, no erasing. Once your soul has traveled down this road, there is no turning back. There are other paths, yes, but the one that brought you to this place is blocked forever. You are never the same.

I have more to come on this...

Rings

2011-08-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

I have been warned not to wear my wedding and engagement ring for very long into this pregnancy. I guess every ten pounds you gain is equal to one entire ring size, so as you gain the 25-35 pounds you need to gain during the process, you will inevitably outgrow your rings. You can have them re-sized or stop wearing them altogether. I have a friend who needed to have hers cut off of her finger in the ER after her hands suddenly swelled: another reason not to wear them. In the end, I decided that, starting today, I'd just wear the band. If I need to have it cut off, well at least it's only the one. I'm bummed because I like my rings! I want to wear them. I also thought of buying a pain silver band to wear if my rings stop fitting, but haven't yet. They don't feel the same, but they still come on and off.

So for now I have my very skinny wedding band on only. I think it's gorgeous, but I do sometimes think it's not noticeable enough?

What do you think?

Some miscellaneous thoughts

2011-08-03T08:45:00.001-07:00

I have seen the commercial for "Fright Night," the Collin Farrell vampire movie, twice now, and I really want to see it. I have a feeling it's probably really bad, and yet for some reason I want to see it. Why? I don't know. I have no idea.

I also REALLY (like actually) want to see "Crazy Stupid Love." Maybe even in the theater I want to see it so much! I think it looks really cute and I've heard that it's very good. Actually good. In fact, I heard radio hosts (male ones) expressing how great it was. That sold me.

If you are reading this from a place other than California, a more humid place, then I want to tell you something important: I do not envy you. It's been humid since Saturday and it's making me feel ill. I do not like it.

Let's say, theoretically, that there was a "Pretty Little Liars" marathon on ABC Family. If this were true, I would NOT be watching it. Actually I'm not paying attention and I have no idea what this show is about, which is absurd for an ABC Family show.

Now to more sophisticated things: read this article on 30 books to read before you're thirty. I'd argue that, catchy titles aside, they are thirty books everyone should read before they die, as they are classics and will not lose appeal after 29.99 years of age. I have only read 8.5 of these, and by no stretch of the imagination should you think I intend to read these specific books (all of them, at least) but it might remind you of a few you wanted to try. My suggestion, as always, is to seek book inspiration from the Banned Books List. I will probably post on this when we are closer to Banned Books Week, but I take my rights (first amendment, in this case) very seriously. I don't believe in restricting information. I'll have to get into this topic in more detail in September!

"The Help" movie: I just read the Help in anticipation of the movie (sometimes I rush out and read things so as to ensure I've read it before the movie comes out) and L O V E D it. Perhaps a post to come on this? The movie previews are out, and I'd love to know what you think of them from both perspectives (as a person who has read the book, and a person who has not).

Are booties still in? Those boots that stop at your ankle? I sort of assumed they weren't anymore, but I got an email from Nordstrom talking about them as a hot item for fall. Since they only look good with skinny jeans (on skinny legs) I never found them to be very wearer-friendly. Hmm.

I have a lot of posts in store, now! I have to post on our appointment yesterday, with pictures of our little boy's face, and many other ideas! Yay!

Mmmmm mole!

2011-08-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

I didn't photograph this dinner (it would not have photographed well, trust me) but I made chicken mole for dinner. It was really great! Another Cooking Light recipe, and J loved it. It was fun to serve a dinner that involved oranges, dried ancho chiles and chocolate. Get out there and get cooking!

I served it alongside Spanish rice and black beans.

Now I do have a picture of this! Our dessert:

I am decision-ed OUT!

2011-08-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

Too.many.decisions.

I can't make a single one any more. I don't even know what I want to eat because I just can't make any more decisions! The easy things, like nursery furniture and what we need for the baby, to the harder things like naming him (and plenty of not-baby-related things in between) are starting to really overwhelm me.

Geeezzzz this name picking thing is HARD!!! It's a lot of pressure, and then even when I find names I like, J doesn't, and sometimes I think we'll never agree.

I just need a break from deciding anything. Anyone want to volunteer to make decisions for me? :)

Clean house

2011-08-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

My mom helped me to do a lot of cleaning this weekend! It was wonderful. I thought, since it was all shiny and clean, I'd make a little photo tour of our house.

Those vacuum lines...I love them. :)

On the dresser you can spy a painting I found at the Sawdust festival this weekend for Baby O.

A darling book from my mom on the table.

Koal the protector!

And finally I get to climb into my clean sheets and go to sleep!

Carrot!

2011-08-01T20:55:00.001-07:00

Week 21 and baby O is the size of a carrot. 10.5 inches and weighs three-quarters of a pound. Hopefully he's getting used to the sound of my voice and not getting sick of it! We have an important ultrasound tomorrow - the anatomical survey. I'm excited to get a peek at the baby and reassure myself (it feels like it's been a really long time since I've seen him or heard his heartbeat!). I'm also excited to get a really detailed ultrasound and probably (hopefully) lots of great pictures! More to follow...

What Koal did

2011-08-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

Koal pretty much had the best weekend ever. :)

First of all, my mom picked him up during the day on Friday, which I'm sure was an unexpected delight for him! He is so used to our schedules.

He got to spend the night with her (and she lets him sleep on her bed). Then another car ride and we were home, but not before he sampled all the best air OC had to offer.

Can you see his tongue hanging out?!

There was a lot more attention in store for him the rest of this blissful weekend!

What J did

2011-08-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

While I was enjoying my girl time, J was on a mountain bike trip with my dad, his dad, and a couple of friends in Brian's Head, Utah.

He sent me these two great pictures.

This second one is just the cutest. I talked to him on the phone to ask how the trip was, and he said "it's great and they have really big dandelions here. I'll take a picture."

Well I wasn't expecting this cute picture! :)

A trip down the coast

2011-08-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

On Friday night I met up with my mom and some favorite girls for a blissful girls' night out. I left straight from work and decided to take the scenic route, from my office to Newport Coast drive to PCH. It was just what I needed.

Not seagulls, just a very dirty window?

I guess when this is so close I could...you know...come here more often?

Nursery Inspiration Board

2011-07-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well here we are... the long-awaited inspiration board (is it really? I don't know!)

I haven't made a name for this room quite yet, so I've been calling it "Storybook - Castles and Dragons" which I think is confusing for a lot of people. It will involve:

Primary colors: mostly blue and green with hints of red
Artwork from Etsy in the children's book illustration style; also the style of Arthurian book illustrations
Playful (not scary) images of knights and dragons
Rustic, rough-hewn walnut shelves made by J
The beautiful Stickley crib lent to us by my aunt and uncle

Let's take a look:

(click to enlarge)

The three fabric swatches in the top left are the main fabric elements of the theme (I want to use the blue one). I would like to make a cushion for the rocking chair and maybe also a crib dust ruffle with it.

I am not planning on registering for a bedding set, and I'll explain why: the bedding set usually has a fitted sheet, bumper, quilt and dust ruffle. The quilt and bumper (most expensive parts) can't actually be used in the crib [definitely not at first; possibly later on, but both are a danger for suffocation and/or SIDS] so I don't see the point in registering for a set only to use two pieces. Also, I like the idea of having a unique room theme and I'm not totally sold on any I've seen. They are all sports, bears, cars, or jungle themed and they want you to buy all the little matching pieces - I really think I can do just as well with various shades of blue and green! That way I'm not locked in to any set or store price. Fitted crib sheets are very inexpensive, come in tons of colors, and my aunt has already given me 3 white ones! I do plan on registering for a breathable bumper upon the suggestion of my friend Katie, so that I don't have to rush in there and pick up any small item he decides to drop through the rails, or rescue little hands stuck between them.

The big scary part is making the crib skirt...I think I'm going to attempt to make it with box pleats, but I don't know if I want to look at that much castle fabric...I have even considered buying a white or blue box-pleated skirt and adding castle fabric to the box pleat reveals... ANYWAY, I digress. I didn't think I needed one until we realized we'd need the space under the crib for storage.

I would love to have the time and know-how to make a quilt, and I think I will attempt it, at least a simple one, so that it's done by the time baby can use a quilt...(I have a lot of time). I don't know how the through-sewing is done on quilts! But I can read a book on it. :) I'd like to make a regular-sized quilt (like a single bed size) so that it can grace his bed later on, and if not, well that's okay too.

I had this great idea of having J make these little wooden leaves (they were making some for a job) and staining them different colors for a beautiful mobile, but I suppose that's not visually stimulating, so I guess I won't have him waste time on that.

We won't have curtains, and I don't really want a lot of stuffed animals around as they are big allergen-catchers, and with my allergies I don't want to start this little one off with dust mites.

I am still worried about "stuff" accumulating, but I'll have to worry about that when it happens. :)

I'm sure this will not be the last time I post on this, but I think it's enough for today. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Banana or cantaloupe?

2011-07-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the HALFWAY POINT, folks!

20 weeks!

Baby O is the size of a banana (or a cantaloupe, keep reading to find out why), and is now started to be measured differently, so expect the size to seem to shoot up. Before he was being measured from head to rump, and this week marks the turning point where his whole body is measured. So he is a banana (according to babycenter.com) when measured from crown to rump at 6.5 inches, or 10 inches from head to heel. I don't know what kind of crazy bananas those people at babycenter are buying, but I don't usually find monster bananas that are 10 inches long! According to thebump.com baby O is a cantaloupe, which makes more sense at 10 inches!

We have an appointment on August 2nd for the anatomical survey so I should have some good pictures from that!

In the meantime, baby O is beginning to sense tastes from his tastebuds, and apparently what I eat now will be some of his fundamental first tastes, so that is a lot of pressure on me! No wonder EVERYONE on earth likes dessert! :)

Nursery Inspiration Board Unveiling! Friday!

2011-07-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned, because I plan on unveiling the nursery inspiration board on Friday, after a new final tweaks and additions!

The Nursery

2011-07-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

Well, geez is this hard.

In an effort to create a nursery that is functional and not overwhelming, we're stuck debating how much furniture to put in this small room. I vote for more furniture (I think the way to prevent clutter is to create spaces for things to go) and J votes for less (he thinks the room will look cave-like). We're at an impasse, I'm afraid. Either that, or I just give up and decide we should try it with less furniture and see what happens.

Please ignore the bag o' crap next to the crib - we're a work in progress!

Now we have moved the crib to the right wall, next to the dresser/changing table, leaving the left wall with the rocking chair, small side table, and floor lamp.

So the question becomes: how much storage do we need? I'm afraid we will need a lot. My ideas were a free-standing tall bookshelf or a bench under the window that houses three cloth boxes that can store toys and books in a pinch. I thought I could make cushions for it and sit a couple of stuffed animals on it...but now I'm just looking at what we have in the room right now, plus a wall shelf above the changing table and one above the rocking chair.

Advice?

The confusing numbers game

2011-07-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

This week I decided that the numbers are very confusing in pregnancy. They say "you're really pregnant for 10 months" - but you aren't. Not really. Maybe 42 since they advance you by two weeks in order to calculate how far along you are. But here is the problem: as I approach the "halfway point" of 20 weeks, which is 5 months for all intents and purposes, what do I tell people? I can't say 5 months, when I have 5 left. Should I say 4 and a half and hope I don't confuse them? What the heck happened to this system?

A quote for today

2011-07-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

“To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.”

― Albert Camus

Photo session up...

2011-07-22T06:19:00.000-07:00

Have you checked out my photo blog lately?

If not, just sayin', maybe you should... ;)

What I made for dinner

2011-07-21T18:40:00.001-07:00

Buttermilk-marinated grilled chicken

Green salad with green beans, peas, and a fresh herb vinaigrette

This dog kills me

2011-07-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I'm biased, but this is a darn cute dog!

What I made for dinner

2011-07-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

Enchilada casserole from Cooking Light...

Also a Mexican cabbage salad (which I made up), corn on the cob and a chipotle sauce for the corn, also from Cooking Light.

Cabbage salad:

Cabbage
White distilled vinegar
Red Wine vinegar
Sugar (about a tbl)
Lime juice
Vegetable oil (about a tbl)
Salt and pepper
2 dashes of cumin

Heirloom Tomato!

2011-07-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

This week, baby O is the size of an heirloom tomato.

He weighs 8.5 ounces and is 6 inches long!

His senses are starting to develop and he may be able to hear sounds now. His arms and legs are the right proportion to his body, and he can flex and stretch them. Hair is beginning to grow on his scalp.

A quote for today

2011-07-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure cam become a catalyst for profound re-invention.
-Conan O'Brien

On those moments in life...a serious post.

2011-07-19T20:15:00.000-07:00

In December 2008 I experienced one of the most profound things a human being can experience. The transition of life from this world to the next. I didn't know, going to my grandparents' house that day that I would. I was there for a visit in the afternoon, and sometime after 10 p.m. I was watching my grandpa's life end. Had I known, would I have stayed? I don't know. I'm still not sure if I was the right person to be there. You come of age in a world where death is tangible, but do you see it? Have you witnessed that moment, first-hand? It's very different than just knowing. Something happens in that room, at that moment. Life is irrevocably changed, and you are as well. I use the word "profound" because it doesn't attach a positive or negative, but tells you that the impact was great. I could describe it in both positive and negative ways. It was horrifying. It was beautiful. It was a nightmare. It was an honor.

When I left, I played the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab over and over in the car. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go to sleep, and let this day pass as though it were any other. I wouldn't wake up the same. If you don't know the song, there is a line it it: "I'm remembering what Sarah said: love is watching someone die." I used to find that line ridiculously melodramatic, but suddenly I knew what he meant. To care, to want to be there, to witness this transition, to care enough to put yourself through this, what would happen to you afterward: that is love.

I've come to realize what an honor it was, truly, to witness this part of life. So few will see it in their lifetimes. Would I recommend it to anyone? Certainly not. You really must love and respect the person, and you should know, better than I did, what you are getting yourself into. You should also know what an act of love it is to hold the hand of a person as they pass into the next life. I wouldn't want to be alone. And yet I'd feel badly for whomever had to experience my passing -- it's that complex.

So why reflect on this?

If the moment of death is profound and moving, life-altering and hard, think of the beauty there must be in witnessing and ushering in a new life into the world. You may have already. Having seen the end of life, I cannot wait to see the beginning. The hope and promise are never greater than in that first moment. You can do anything, be anything...and life has only just begun. To hold that small hand as life begins is an honor, a privilege, and a joy so unique, I'm not sure I'll do any better at expressing it in words as I have with the end of life as I described above. I hope I'll be able to do better, but some things, as Helen Keller said, must be felt with the heart, and words just won't suffice.

My grandparents, 2005

Bell Pepper

2011-07-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry I missed the update last week (I took the week off from EVERYTHING I guess!) but here is the last-week status for baby O:

Baby O is the size of a bell pepper.

5.5 inches long and almost 7 ounces. He is flexing his arms and legs and growing...growing...

Cute

2011-07-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

Click on this photo to enlarge so you can see the cute face of my dog as we prepare to leave for Big Bear on vacation. He's so happy to be going anywhere, and I love to see his happy face in the rear view mirror.

The canvas wrap came!

2011-07-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

We haven't hung it yet (still need to have a new mantle made and installed by J) but I set it up on my existing mantle in the "art gallery" of leaning and interchangeable art work for now. :)

It is beautiful and these phone pictures aren't doing it justice!

The nursery is coming along!

2011-07-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

A new beautiful shade in the window.

Crib from my Aunt Kere and Uncle Mike, rocking chair from my parents.

It's a...

2011-07-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

You may have already seen this...

Hold onto your hats...we're having a boy!

Busy

2011-07-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

My goodness it's July.

Where has this year gone?

Despite the fact that the year is already more than half over, I feel like I still have a LOT of time left before this little one comes. Speed up, time!

We entered July and this is what my calendar looks like already:

Yes I blurred it on purpose, as no one needs to see more!

It's all fun stuff, but still a bit overwhelming to enter a month with no free days! It's all planned out for me!

Living Room updates!

2011-07-08T13:29:00.000-07:00

The living room is just about done!

Sorry for the blurry picture; I have better ones to come!

If you recall, there used to be an un-drywalled frame-only spot in the wall above from the door we deleted!

Look! No wires under the tv!

Beautiful doors!

What I made for dinner

2011-07-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

I just don't think to photograph my dinners often, perhaps because they never look appetizing in a picture. But they are!

Here is one I did remember:

From my new Cooking Light cookbook: oven-fried buttermilk chicken and corn fritter casserole served with green beans.

What to wear to work (and a haircut)

2011-07-08T13:16:00.000-07:00

Here is Tuesday's outfit...becoming all the more challenging lately!

Shirt: my mom, pants: maternity pants from Linda

I got my hair cut!

I chopped my hair off again. Well, for me, anyway...I think it's SHORT! I like to have her blow dry it straight because it feels so healthy and wonderful, but then of course J loves it curly most and it is very cute and very BIG curly! I will try to take a pic sometime of that.

Goodbye, dear friend

2011-07-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

I feel as though it is the end of an era for J and I.

Yes, our non-parent lives are coming to an end, and I think we're both fine with that idea...not that it will always be easy, but we're able to accept that things are changing. The one thing I didn't see coming was the loss of our beloved Harley.

It does make sense, and fiscally responsible J was correct in suggesting that we sell it. We won't get a lot of time to ride it, and as it ages, its value will only depreciate; and we could really use the money...We paid it off before we started house hunting last spring, so it's interest-free. To be honest, we haven't ridden it a ton in the past entire year. After J's accident neither of us had the time or inclination (or ability) to ride for a while. Then we got the house and started devoting a lot of time to it. The weather seemed to be ridiculous this year; every weekend involved rain for more weeks than I can ever remember. Ironically, we had so wanted a garage so that we could simply pull away on the Harley without squeezing it out from behind my car in our condo garage, and having to painfully maneuver it back in.

I think, more than all of this, it's just hard to let go of it for sentimental reasons. To get this story straight, I'm the one who is having a difficult time with it. J is not sentimental of material possessions, and I wish I could say the same for myself. It's just represented so much to me. We wanted one so badly, and planned and talked about our future together, and a Harley was in it. We worked hard to save money. We bought it together, in the first combined credit purchase we'd made, and the largest until the house. I remember that exciting day at the dealer, and the feeling that our dreams were materializing. Then to ride, and enjoy the beautiful weather, and the sights and smells of everything around us was so exhilarating. It felt like freedom.

It was so fun to customize the bike; picking out the accessories with great care and admiring them was another part of the personalization and personification, if I may, of the bike. And then there were our own accessories: the jackets, boots, gloves, t-shirts and more that we bought, gifted, were given.

The joy of being able to want something and then to have it, the very adult feeling of saving and spending money as you choose, and the (also very adult) twinge of sadness when you make the right decision, and that decision involves saying goodbye...these are all things that I have felt and will continue to feel in life, this I know.

I know that if we're in a place in life where we want one again, we can just start over. Perhaps we'll want something else; something more comfortable for our older behinds, or something with a stereo... but right now, this Harley, which has represented so much for us, needs to move on to someone who will love it as much as we did, but ride it more.

Still, it feels like a sad, harsh reality that we have to move on, to other things, or to eventually start over. There will be an empty space in our garage and it will make me sad for a while. As excited as I am about things to come, I so appreciate the opportunities I've had, the experiences, and yes, the things. This motorcycle has nothing but fun memories attached to it; about how many things can you say the same? I'm so thankful that we were ever in a place in life in which we could experience what it was to own one, and I will never forget the feeling of riding...

Race pictures

2011-07-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

A couple of good shots from Tuesday's race:

No results yesterday :(

2011-07-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

So here's the deal: in my last appointment, on June 2, I asked when we would find out the sex. He said "next time." Apparently that didn't mean my next appointment, it meant my next ultrasound (2 appointments away) so I have 4 more weeks.

J and I were obviously pretty bummed, and while I was getting blood drawn he stood in the hallway and started calling elective ultrasound places. We are going to visit one today, but depending on how certain they are, we may or may not tell anyone. :)

Only 5 Hours Left to Vote!

2011-06-30T09:06:00.001-07:00

Get your votes in, people!

So far: the girl votes are leading by 2.

How do you know?

2011-06-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

With tomorrow's promising ultrasound on the horizon, I've been wondering how people dealt with not knowing the gender of their baby until birth. I actually can't imagine it!

Here are some old wives' tales and other methods of "knowing":

The Ring Test: Tie your wedding ring to 12 inches of thread and dangle it over your belly. If it goes in circles = boy. Side to side = girl.

The Baking Soda Test: Apparently you pee in a cup containing a tablespoon of baking soda. If it fizzes, it's a boy. If it doesn't, it's a girl.

Baby's Heart Rate: Above 140, and you have a girl, below and it's a boy.

Movement: I've been told this one both ways: more movement is a girl. Or it's a boy. And how do you determine more movement?

Morning Sickness: Another I've heard more than one way. More sickness is supposed to signify a girl. Or a boy. Or sickness in the morning = girl, night = boy. Or the opposite. So this one is out!

Stealing your beauty: This is a mean one. If you look like crap, it's because you're having a girl and she's stealing your beauty.

Hair: Do you need to shave your legs? If you suddenly find that you don't need to, you are having a girl. Or you paid a lot of money for laser hair removal.

Drano: This is bizarre. Apparently you add 2 tablespoons of clear Drano to a jar, then pee in the jar. Step back, as a horrible-smelling chemical reaction is said to take place, then observe. Did the liquid turn brown? Boy. Stay the same? Girl.

No thanks...

The Chinese Gender Chart: This mystical chart matches your age and month of conception with a gender prediction. Hint: it says boy for me. Click here to view.

Cravings: Supposedly, if you crave sweet things, you are having a girl. If you crave sour things, a boy. I don't know anyone who craves sour things. Sour-sweet candies? Sure. Lemon slices: (this was the example in my book) no. That's yucky. For the record I'm craving neutral things. Safe things, like carbs. :) I haven't wanted pickles or chips (salty) or cookies or cupcakes (yes I'm serious) or acidic things like tomatoes, and I think it's all because my stomach was so upset for so long. Sorry, folks.

Don't forget to take my poll, at right!

Avocado

2011-06-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

This week finds baby O at 4.5 inches long and 3.5 ounces.

Things are starting to move into their appropriate position, like eyes and ears, and the scalp prepares for hair.

Babycenter for week 16

Oh yeah, and we should find out tomorrow what gender this creature is!

Drywall is up!

2011-06-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

Tough times

2011-06-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

I am not a fan of the economy right now. I am not a fan of layoffs, or reduced hours, or the loss of morale that comes from the "popcorn" layoff (like SURPRISE! You're unemployed.)...I'm also not a fan of what this tension, worry, and fear do to us as individuals, as human beings. I'm not happy with the climate of my work life right now. Uncomfortable doesn't begin to describe it. Stuck? Maybe.

I'm not happy with the decisions I'm forced to make right now as an employee, a daughter, a sister, a wife... in this, which should be the happiest of times for me, I have so much anger, fear, and uncertainty.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm starting to get mad.

I'm so disappointed in people. Do you know the feeling? I'll bet you do, and it is the WORST. I don't wish it on anyone. Increasingly this world seems a harsh and unforgiving place to bring such a beautiful, innocent life into.

Just less than a year ago, J's accident showed me the best in people. Not all of them. It also showed me the worst in some people I'd held dear. I chalked it up to a good chance to find out things I need to know about those around me. Who is truly my friend? Who deserves my love and attention. For the most part, I felt an outpouring of love and affection for those around me. People were there when we needed them. They bolstered us in dark days, and continued to love and respect us in the difficult months to come. Getting married gives you this feeling, but you don't see the extent of it, not really. There is a glow around you; you are the center of attention; and well, it's easy to love you then. It's all happiness and champagne. J's accident really held the mirror of truth up to me and forced me to make some difficult decisions.

But I promise: it wasn't all bad. It was so overwhelmingly GOOD that I felt I could live in the glow of it forever, and slough the bad interactions off with a simple shrug of my shoulders. Having a baby should bring the same outpouring of love, happiness, rainbows and puppies: after all - who doesn't love a new baby?! But this time I enter the process with a different perspective; more protective of my heart, and J's, and that of this child.

Here we are, in the end of June, months before it should get really mushy for us, and already I'm finding out that I'm disappointed. Just disappointed, as though disappointment isn't one of the absolute worst feelings in the human experience. It encapsulates sadness, surprise, missed expectations, a deflation of hope, a deflation of promise, and carries a tinge of worry: if this person is capable of this, who is next? Can we truly love each other? Are we capable? Are we too selfish? I missed one feeling that is packaged in with disappointment for our displeasure: anger. Am I angry with the very people who disappoint me? Or perhaps at myself, for believing that they wouldn't, couldn't...am I mad at myself for allowing myself to feel disappointed again...for putting myself out there...for trusting...

Why shouldn't I have hope and believe in the good in others? What a sad world it would be indeed if I could not. And yet, would it be less sad if only I could see it coming? Did having warning of a layoff lessen the blow? Does a set of low expectations ever actually make cruelty hurt less?

I don't think so.

I believe that to bring new life into this world is to acknowledge that you have HOPE. And no matter what, no matter how bruised and battered my little heart may be, I have it.

And you can't take it away.

Before we close the wall...

2011-06-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

Two more from the living room

2011-06-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

A before and after? Maybe I should call it before and during...

Friday I came home to this big hole in the back of the house! This is where our sliding door was.

And this morning: doors installed, plastic covering the area that once was door and now will be wall.

More birthday pictures

2011-06-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

The home reno process continues!

2011-06-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, we are at it again!

Welcome to Remodel Phase 2

The slider is gone and a new door frame is in place. J removes wood paneling from walls

Our new door will be 1.5' narrower so that we have more room for our tv (which will go back where it was)

The un-drywalled patch has been there (left) since we closed in the door to what is now the closet and master bathroom. That wall also has nasty wood paneling which...must also come down!

Panes of glass are in

J forms an electrical system for the wires that will lead to our tv (which will be mounted on the wall) and new surround sound bar.

Doors are in

Wood paneling off!

This clever system of gangboxes and black tubing will enable the wires to run behind the tv and receiver in an organized manner

Another clever "j" solution: He makes tent-like zippered doors from zisqueen to keep dust and debris out of non-construction-zone ares. It really keeps the mess contained. If there is interest I can explain how they are made. In other news, how do you spell visquene? visqueen?

Words you should stop saying

2011-06-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

I'm going to go ahead and tell you two words (in combination) that you should make an effort to remove from your speech patterns. If you can go ahead and stop saying them you will find that you sound more composed and are no longer wasting time and precious words. :)

Did you notice I already typed them twice?

"Go ahead"

Feel free to continue using in a logical sentence, such as, "Go ahead and see where the rest of the group is; I'll wait here."

Please stop using them in a sentence like this one: "I'm going to go ahead and tell you where she is." That was an 11-word sentence. 5 of the 11 words were repetitive. In an effort to be long-winded, it helps to realize where redundancies lie. "I'm going to go ahead and" should look ridiculous when reading it. It also sounds ridiculous. So many of us fill our speech with filler words when we could just pause if we need to collect our thoughts. The same is true of "ummm" (yes, an obvious one since UMM is not a word) and "so." Do you find yourself ending sentences with "that's what she said. So..." You may not realize you do this. It's actually a notifier to your listener of nervous energy, apprehension, or fear. Be confident and end your sentence with a period! Or an exclamation point! "Yes, that is what she said." No "so" about it!

I'm a sad, sad girl

2011-06-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so sad, and tired, of seeing my friends and co-workers lose their jobs. It's disheartening and scary. Today I lost a dear friend to budget concerns, and my days will never be the same here.

It's so hard to watch the landscape of your work environment change. We become accustomed to the same views, sounds, and activities in our daily lives. As a cube dweller, I have become so familiar with my neighbors, we have a special bond. Kristin is a dear person, and a great friend. When J was home from the hospital, she made us dinner and brought drawings from each of her children wishing him well. They had asked her what kind of person he was, what he liked, she told them what she knew and I got these adorable renderings of a muscle man with a bicycle and a football field. She would drive to Irvine every day from Corona (in case you don't know, it's a whole county away on a terribly congested freeway). She works so hard for her children, who are so well-behaved and polite that you know she is raising them well.

Kristin, who has these three beautiful children to care for on her own.

Please, if you can spare the time today, say a prayer for Kristin and her children.

Mmmm Yummy Cupcakes!

2011-06-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

I referenced these little beauties from my weekend post, and here is some more detail.

These are chocolate chip cookie-vanilla cupcakes from Martha Stewart Living (July 2011 issue)

The recipes themselves are fantastic; worth buying the issue for!

She starts with a basic cookie recipe, a recipe which my oven burned when I made these darling minis to top the cupcakes:

There is cookie dough pressed into the bottom of the cupcake wrapper, then the silky and delicious vanilla cake batter is placed on top.

Finally, a dollop of creamy vanilla buttercream.

Yum!

Apple

2011-06-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

Baby O is an apple this week!

4 inches long (crown to rump again) and 2.5 ounces.

Baby Center for week 15.

This is the week I've started to feel some movement, which is exciting. I had an ultrasound on Tuesday and this baby is ACTIVE! I don't think he/she ever stopped moving and fidgeting. It was hard for the doctor to measure her/him. I have another one a week from day and we will be finding out GENDER!! Stay tuned...

Both pictures show a side profile (head on the right, body on left). You can see the spine if you look closely (on top). The top picture maps out the heartbeat.

The Wall That Heals

2011-06-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

This Sunday (Father's Day) I had the opportunity to visit the Wall That Heals, a traveling exhibit featuring a replica of the Vietnam War Memorial.

I had only just found out from J's mom that it would be in town and it was right by my house!! So once my parents, brother, and grandmother came over we hopped in the car and went down there.

The idea is that the wall will travel to all the Americans who cannot make it to the wall, and even as a replica it has such a profound impact. It's really beautiful, as is the respect and reverence of all those who visit. This was the wall's only CA stop for a while, and I felt so lucky to have seen it. I highly recommend making a trip if it's anywhere close to you.

Left of center. The original is taller than a person, so this is probably 50% or less.

Right of center.

The trailer that accompanies the wall is a mobile museum, featuring memorabilia and letters.

The original is made of shiny black marble and this mimics the look.

People had left flowers, notes for loved ones, and flags. It was very touching. Also, the city we live in had posted full-page reports on any "native son" lost in this war.

Weekend

2011-06-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

This weekend was lovely, and I do have more pictures to post when I get them from J's camera, but here is just a taste:

Excuse the quality; they're from my phone.

Leaning on J's arm when I'm too tired to hold my head up. haha.

From-scratch vanilla icing; more info to come

Better pics to follow of these AMAZING cookie-cupcakes

Baking and evidence that my oven is really horrible. Burnt, undercooked, burnt to a crisp, on one pan! Incredible!

Vanilla batter. MMMMMM.

J and Koal snuggle in Big Bear

What to wear to work

2011-06-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

Black City flats, the Gap (I now have these in a bunch of colors, I love them!)

Sweater: DKNY, top: ModBod, pants: Target, cute jewelry and sweater were gifts from my parents for my birthday!

The one pair of jeans

2011-06-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't really bought any maternity clothes. I sort of refuse to have a separate wardrobe for so brief a time, although I know it's probably going to have to happen.

I've had people lend me things, but they are sitting in the bedroom under a mental label of "for later." However, I did peruse the clearance racks at Target where I found a pair of jeans (jeans!) for $14. Lately, I found that they are really comfortable as "regular" jeans really dig into me. So I wore them out to dinner last Friday. Then to a party on Saturday. Then Sunday with a t-shirt. Super cute. Well, I put them on again Tuesday night and J said "do you need to buy another pair of those jeans?" I said, "why? I'm fine with the one pair."
"Because you've worn them for like 5 days in a row."
(It was actually 3 in a row, and a fourth non-consecutive day.)
"Well, I mean, I don't think I need maternity clothes yet, these are just more comfortable than my little skinny jeans I usually wear."
"I'm not complaining about the expense - it just seems all you wear anymore, and I thought you should know I don't mind if you buy another pair."

So Wednesday when he got home from work and I was not wearing said jeans (they were in the washer) he had to say "who is this? Oh, it's K?! I didn't recognize you without those damn jeans!"

Hammock time!

2011-06-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

I gifted J a hammock for Christmas, and as this as been the weirdest year of weather EVER in California, he hasn't used it much. He finally set it up only a few weeks ago, and prefers not to lay in it while it's overcast and cold, but I don't mind. And apparently, neither does Koal, who just climbed right up and made himself comfortable. He was smart about it, so I can't much complain. :) He didn't knock me out or anything.

What? Hammocks weren't made for dogs? No!
And please excuse the stucco patching - work in progress.

Deep thoughts...
Or there was a bird on the roof. One of those two things.

Now this is a Saturday!

That song...

2011-06-17T15:18:00.000-07:00

Do you have a song (I know you do) that maybe you don't hear too often, but it pops up on Pandora and brings a smile to your face?

I know I have hundreds, but here's the one I'm listening to currently:

Lucky Denver Mint, by Jimmy Eat World
From their album Clarity.

It's track two on the album, but while you're there, listen to track 1, which is insanely gorgeous. Then listen to the whole rest of the album because it's really great. :)

Before you spend money on enlargements or framing...

2011-06-16T13:06:00.000-07:00

Here's a nice life made easier idea...

I always agonize over what artwork I want on my walls, where it should go, etc. I was on the verge of a big purchase for me: a canvas wrap photo print for our fireplace. I knew I wanted a wedding photo, and I had a discount from Gilt Groupe. Yay! But I wasn't sure what I wanted. Classic black and white? Color photo? Dark and dramatic? Bright and colorful? So I made some mockups. They aren't cute, and I used a photo of the fireplace from during construction (otherwise I'd have to take everything off the mantle, and well, this was easier) and the placed small versions of my photos on top to see how I liked the color and composition. Now all I need to do is order and enjoy!

I'm currently between two of them. This process was great because I was able to tell right away that I didn't like the look of black and white on the brick, the first one seemed too dark, and the perspective on the second-to-last one, which I had thought would look really cool, was just weird.

Contact me if you try this and need help getting your computer to cooperate!

Plans

2011-06-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a post full of words for once!

I've had blogs before. Two to be exact. In fact, I think I was one of the "first generation" of bloggers on Live Journal back in High School...although I don't remember calling it a blog or knowing of it as such. I love to write, and write I did...but I found that as my attention span has shortened and life has gotten busier, the blogs I am "reading" were mostly picture-based. So in creating this blog, I wanted something that was fun, cheerful, and picture-filled to document the day-to-day discoveries I make.

Sometimes the effort to create a meaningful post prevents me from posting at all, and yet I know that the more I post, the better this blog will be. SO, I have decided to try and post every day, if it is humanly possible, and create something that is worthy of a daily stop in your internet routine.

I hope you'll join me...

Lemon

2011-06-15T14:31:00.000-07:00

At 14 weeks, our baby is the size of a lemon.

About 3.5 inches (head to butt) and 1.5 ounces!

Want to know more about this week? Click here.

The secret is out!

2011-06-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

I blog friends! I've decided it's time to let the secret out on the blog.

Catch up!

2011-06-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

In case you are new to this blog, or you have just forgotten, I wanted to catch you up to speed with some of our home reno projects, before we tackle the next one!!

Here are some overviews, but for more detail, click on "new house" on my sidebar in the word cluster! It will take you to all of the new-house-focused posts.

As always, click on an image to enlarge.

New photos are up

2011-06-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

I always forget, dear friends, to refer you to my photography blog, so here we go...

Pictures are up! And they are cuuuute!

Images from my 27th birthday

2011-06-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

You'll see a lot of these; beautiful peonies from my friend Nora.

A birthday herb garden from my aunt Kelly

J and I after a filling dinner at Gabbi's

I wish this post had smell-o-vision

Playing pool

Skinny face J

Dad loungin'

Oops her eyes are closed

I should have taken this with a CAMERA and not a phone, but this is the gorgeous necklace J gave me

J tackles Big Bear

2011-06-01T14:42:00.000-07:00

So the last time I tried to post this, Blogger had a meltdown...wish me luck!

Weekend after last we traveled up to beautiful Big Bear where J had a race. He's raced this course quite a few times, so I know where to stand to get the great shots.

He raced his single speed bike in the semi-pro category, which is pretty major...such a fast category that he was just hoping not to come in last place! Typical of J, not only did he not come in last, he came in 6th. He always manages to dominate somehow...haha.

Not that I don't like kids, but I'm not sure they should be on the course racing with adults.

Mother's Day

2011-05-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Here are some snippets from Sunday.

These little succulent pots are what I made for Josh's two grandmas...

The pot in the back was for Josh's mom (I didn't make it)

My pretty table setting for dinner with my parents, brother, and grandma.

What to wear to work

2011-05-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

Excuse the wrinkles; I took these at the end o the day.

When J makes dinner

2011-05-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

What to wear to work

2011-05-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

Two outfits:

Sweater, top and khakis, all from Target

Pink open-toe flats from New York and Company

A less "spring-like" pick: top from Forever 21.

Portraits

2011-05-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

I recently had some portraits taken by my friend, Jeff Woon...

More fun pictures

2011-04-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

From when J and I started dating...

A few miscellaneous pics

2011-04-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

While trying to clear out my massively overloaded hard drive I found the following pictures that made me smile.

Coolest snowman ever in Mammoth

Big Sky, Montana

Our wedding rehearsal

Love these girls

The whole family at Christmas 2006. We miss you, Len!

Atlantis

Vote for me!

2011-04-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hey loyal readers! I entered one of my photos in an OC Register wildflower photo contest. If you will vote for my picture, I could win $100!!!

(Hey it's a lot to me!)

I'll leave a button on my sidebar until voting ends so that you have a lot of chances to vote! :)
Thank you!

Vision Quest video

2011-04-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

J just sent me this video and I think it will give you a glimpse of what VQ is like.

http://vimeo.com/21894699

J conquers Vision Quest

2011-04-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, J competed in Vision Quest. It's an insane mountain bike event that starts at 5:30 in the morning in Silverado Canyon. You have 12 hours to finish, although there are cutoffs throughout the race to ensure that no one will get stuck out in the elements. To compete, you need to be able to ride your bike to the top of three consecutive peaks--but you go all the way to the bottom in between. It's 56+ miles and 11,000+ ft. of elevation gain.

Last year, J rode his mountain bike and finished in 7 hours, 19 minutes.

This year, he decided to ride a single speed mountain bike.

He's been training for this event since he got back on his bike after the accident. It has been a great motivational tool--but needless to say, a lot was riding on this day.

Professional picture (purchased by J)

Incredibly, he finished this year in 6 hours, 51 minutes. He came across the finish, dirty and exhausted, but so proud. It was a perfect finish to all of his training and hopes since August 6.

The race starts in the dark at 5:30.

At the first aid station, refilling water bottles and food. A rider has to eat quite a bit during the event in order to keep his body functioning. High carbohydrate and calorie-rich foods that are easy to digest are key.

Approaching the finish.

Finish Line!

Muddy...

But with his signature smile, as always.

See my shirt? It says "Go J"

J's friend Mike also raced and finished, so it was a fabulous day. J gave us a toast.

Muddy face...

J said that it was a spiritual experience for him...being up on top of a mountain and struggling to breathe and keep pedaling, he prayed to God to finish. Then he realized that he shouldn't be asking for his goals to be met--look where he was, and all he had accomplished. It is truly a miracle.

What to wear to work (and Wicked!)

2011-04-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had to dress nicely for work and to see Wicked with the wonderful Christina.

Messy, curly updo

Pink sweater: Old Navy
Dress: Merona, Target